Chasing Idols and the Uncharted Terrors

As we hurtled through the pitch black of a moonless night, the street lights and neon signs of a sleeping San Francisco gave way to imprints and patterns that bled into the moving images of my mind, both haunting and enlivening – forms that cavorted their dancing before me, as though I were staring into the eye of an elaborate cosmic zoetrope. The very space around us felt alive – responsive and alert.

‘This is a very strange place…’ I said, with a tone of authority I was quite unused to possessing. ‘I feel quite alive. It’s almost? I don’t know.’ I hesitated. Perhaps for our mute but listening driver – though more through fear of arrogance, for fear of pride before a fall, that these uncharted terrors, these psychological seas I have roamed – might not be over yet.

‘Fun, isn’t it? Having your eyes open!’ he said, warmly but sarcastically, and then he assured, ‘It’s not vanity to be aware of your ego, Bumper. It’s the opposite. It’s humility.’ I turned to look into the eyes of my new husband using my pet name from the jelly babies, and reaching out across the leather seating of our pelting ride, I entwined my little finger with his. ‘Something strange has happened to us. Don’t you think, Stuart…?’ I asked.

‘Don’t fight it. Your mind should not follow every why’, he said, kindly but definite and strong. Just how a man should be. Knowing his soul – his blood and flesh was a masterpiece to me – and admiring how our wedding rings on our clasped hands caught the passing light, I breathed with him in a silent dialogue we two souls developed over best part of two decades. His right cheekbone, the high collar of his shirt and the profile of his glorious cupids bow caught these passing illuminations. His right iris glimmered ardent knowings, having, or keeping, all of the answers I had ever sought from the far side of things.

With each sparkle and glint, each flash and trace – the birth of a new galaxy of dreams and times came alive in our love, in the eternity that was now our bonded and welded, we, our us, our, one.

‘Finally being fully conscious, of my injuries,’ I said, ‘… of what’s actually happened to me…’ I could not finish the sentence.

‘Your injuries are what have made you,’ he said, ‘and how you’re healing furthermore…’

‘My injuries are now my route to freedom?’ I asked, interrupting rhetorically. Pulling my hand away, turning to stare back into the zoetrope. Yes, I believed it. 

‘What’s up… what’s the matter?’ he asked already knowing the reason.

I looked at him with the gratitude of five-year-old eyes, like he had saved me from drowning and he broke into the smile he reserves for me alone.

‘You’ve done it. Yes,’ he said, ‘all you, you’ve reclaimed your life and I couldn’t be more proud of my brave and talented little Bumper.”

Eighteen years into our relationship, loved and protected every each day – he could still stir my subconscious, awaken my mind, every inch as much as he still surprised me, aroused my loins, and always gives my heart the light palpitation of thrill, as though we had only just met that night.

‘I am done chasing empty idols!’ I said, and I couldn’t have meant it more.

‘You are the key’, he said, ‘it’s always been you. You deserve to have a voice Bumpy Monkey, and you’re going to use it.’

I had sought it all along, this magical undoing – to learn the profound truths that billow and wave across the timelines of my life and psyche. I almost congratulated myself. This is what I had confused with that fleeting feeling of arrogance – survivors will always struggle with happiness, worth and all else besides, but here it was, and not with conviction and clarity alone, but tangibility, spirituality, purpose and depth. More depth than most people are ready for.

The reasons for my constant writings, both public and private, and all my art – now made sense beyond the conceited or the self-indulgent. I am no saint nor angel, hell I can be self-absorbed, spoiled, and I can be avoidant – but I am kind, passionate, creative, and intuitive. I am thoughtful and fun and now completely able to be myself after what manifested here against the the surreal and haunting backdrop of San Francisco, where the moral and spiritual lessons of my traumas opened up like a lotus bloom, in a city that knows all too well about the human condition when it pushes through the muck. This place can empower minds with delicate new awakenings. My taste was now of an ambition to speak evil’s name, and achieve something that all abusers fear – the strength to speak up and say, no more. Even if that meant summoning up the fortitude to walk away from my entire bloody family. For out of the many things that I am, whatever I have been, and whoever I am now – I will always be a living survivor of base and prolonged childhood psychological and sexual abuse, and it is only in speaking its name that I can be set free to begin again, because the shame is no longer ours to carry when we have a survivors strength, awareness and the reclamation that comes with it.

“How many sorrows
Do you try to hide
In a world of illusion
That’s covering your mind?”

Annie Lennox / David Allan Stewart

Love wins over shame! Happy first wedding anniversary to my incredible man of 15 years. We both give thanks and eternal gratitude, to our amazing American friends who came out of starlight – offering our souls a shamanic ceremony in the magical hills of Malibu. It was beautiful beyond expression and saved, renewed and blessed my life in ways that are taking us forward exponentially. I personally, will never be the same again… and, three cheers for THAT miracle! Thank you, thank you, thank you ❤

You were reborn together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
In marriage, many days will
bring happiness, while other days may be sad. But together, two hearts can overcome
everything…
It’s inspiring in each other a dream or a feeling, and having faith in each other and not
giving up… even when all the odds say to quit.
One cannot live what he does not dedicate himself to.
To dedicate yourself to love you must be forever growing in
love.
What greater thing is there for two human souls
than to feel that they are joined together to strengthen each other
in all labors, to minister to each other in all sorrow,
to share with each other in all gladness,
to be one with each other in the silent unspoken memories?
Now you will feel no rain,
For each of you will be shelter to the other.
May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy.
May you have love, and may you find it loving one another.
May you always need one another – not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you to know your fullness. 
A mountain needs a valley to be complete; the valley does not make the
mountain less, but more; and the valley is more a valley because it has a mountain towering
over it. So let it be with you and you.
May you need one another, but not out of weakness.
May you want one another, but not out of lack.
May you enter into the mystery which is the awareness of one another’s presence – no more
physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side, and warm and near when
you are in separate rooms or even distant cities.
Now there is no more loneliness for you,
For each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
For each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now you are two bodies,
But there is only one life before you.
Go now to your dwelling place,
To enter into the days of your togetherness.
And may your days be good and long upon the earth.
Give the highest priority to the tenderness,
gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves.
And if each of you takes responsibility
for the quality of your life together,
it will be marked by abundance and delight.
One cannot give what he does not possess.
To give love you must possess love.
Recollections of past joys, pains, and shared feelings will be the glue that holds everything
together during even the worst and most insecure moments.
When two people pledge their love and care for each other in marriage,
they create a spirit unique unto themselves
which binds them closer than any spoken or written words.
Marriage is a promise,
a potential made in the hearts of two people who love each other
and takes a lifetime to fulfill.
You can ride out the storms
when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives
remembering that even if you lose sight of it,
for a moment the sun is still there.
Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid.
It encourages and nurtures new life, new experiences,
and new ways of expressing a love that is deeper than life.

5 Comments

  1. SO BEAUTIFUL….magical words A most happy and blessed first anniversary, may you and Stuart always bring the best out in each other, feel secure in your bond and the flame of the love you share burn eternally.

    >

  2. Well, I finally have had the chance to read it through completely and view all the photos. Just beautiful as I expected. You are such a beautiful man and Stuart is so fortunate to have you in his life as you are, to have Stuart in your life, David. I look into the eyes and it says it all. Your souls are deep. I wish you both many years oh happiness, joy, and laughter. All my love and future happiness to you both. Mike Minogue xx

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